Zero and DDOJ
Issue #2
by Tom Zjaba
CHAPTER THREE: ALICES RESTAURANT
After a few hours on the highway, Zero decides they need to
switch cars. The rest of the highway patrol should be looking for this car and
it would be best to switch to something a little less conspicuous. So Zero
targets out some youths driving a convertible. He pulls behind them and turns on
the lights. Immediately, they pull over to the side of the road. As he pulls
behind the convertible, he turns off the car and slowly opens the door. "Just
stay here and don't touch anything" he commands DDOJ. He then slowly emerges
from the car and walks up to the car. The boys are trying to hide some beers
under the seat of the car and are chewing some gum to cover their breath. "Leave
the keys in the ignition and get out of the car" Zero says in a low, yet stern
voice". As the driver gets out, he tries his best to get out of a he foresees as
a very expensive lesson in drinking and driving. "We only had one beer and we
were headed home right now, honest, he pleads. "Both of you in the back of the
squad car now" he says in a slightly louder and more stern voice. Not wanting to
upset the officer anymore, the boys quietly slink into the back seat. There they
are greeted by DDOJ "Hiya! How are you doing? Bet you really thought he was a
police officer, didn't you?" As shock runs over their faces, the driver asks "Whatta
ya mean he's not a cop?" DDOJ smiles and proudly exclaims, "He's just a cab
driver who traded...". Before he can finish his sentence, Zero yanks him out of
the car. He then peeks his head into the car and smiles "Thanks for loaning us
you car". He then makes his way over to the car and they jump in. "Hee Hee, you
sure had them fooled. They really thought you were a police officer" DDOJ
giggles. They quickly take off as Zero pulls off the uniform and throws it out
the window.
Back at the abandoned cab, another police car pulls up behind
it with its lights flashing. As the two officers get out, they pull out
flashlights and shine them into the cab. In the front seat is the officer in his
underwear, handcuffed to the steering wheel. "Mac is that you?" the officers ask
while trying to hold back their laughter. "Will ya quit your laughing and get me
free? This isn't a joke".
A few hours later as it nears two in the morning, Zero sees a restaurant and
decides to stop. As he pulls in, he awakes DDOJ, who is sleeping in the back
seat. "Come on, lets get some grub" he hollers as he shakes him. As DDOJ wakes
up, he rubs the sleep out of his eyes and gets up. "I sure could use some food"
he says as he stretches. They both lumber out of the car and slowly walk over to
a restaurant called "Alice's". As they enter the greasy spoon, there is the
usual compliment of truckers and other late night people. They move over to an
empty booth and sit down. Within a few minutes, a middle aged lady with
short, red hair walks over and asks "What can I get ya sugar?" Zero quickly
pores over the menu and replies "Give me a cup of chili and a coffee, black".
"How about you" she then asks DDOJ as he taps her pen on the pad of paper she is
using to take the order. "Umm...I think I will have a bowl of soup and a
milkshake, chocolate, please" he says with a big grin. She winks at him and
walks off.
As the time goes by, Zero watches DDOJ line up the packs of sugar. Each pack
has a different bird on it and he is making sure to not have any duplicates.
"Can you believe there are this many birds in the world?" he says as he looks at
the dozen or so different sugar packs. "Believe it or not, but there are a lot
more birds than that in the world" Zero says as he looks at the watch. He is
wondering what is taking so long as they didn't order anything that
complicated. "Do you think they have sugar packs for all the birds in the
world?" he asks. "How the hell do I know? Why don't you ask the waitress if
she ever gets here?" Zero bellows. He is beginning to get upset with the lack
of service here. Suddenly, she appears from the back with their orders. As she
drops off the food, DDOJ asks her "Do you know if they make sugar packs for all
the birds in the world?" She just laughs and then touches him on the shoulder
and says "Maybe, but I only seen the ones here." They both begin to enjoy
their meal, as it is the only thing they have eaten all day.
As they are enjoying the meal, two very large and very red
neck looking guys walk in with a trampy looking lady and sit down near them.
Zero just ignores them and continues to eat his chili. They begin to talk to
each other. "Hey Earl, check out the hippie and his freaky friend" one of them
says. "Yeah Lou, I thought those flower children died off in the sixties" the
other says. The girl just laughs in a loud and obnoxious manner. They are
purposely talking loud enough for Zero to hear. He knows this, but has not
desire to get in a fight, so he chooses to ignore them. After a few minutes,
one of them gets up and walks over to Zero who has his back turned to the man.
He then violently pushes Zero's head into the chili and twists it back and
forth. "Hey hippie are you experienced now. One with yer chili?" He says as
he releases Zero's head. He then turns to his friend "Are you experienced, did
you get it Lou, ha! ha! ha!". As they are all having a good laugh, Zero gets up
and turns around to face him. Chili is dripping from his hair and beard and he
has a pissed off look on his face. As Earl turns around, the sight of Zero,
right in his face, greets him. He soon realizes that Zero isn't some puny
hippie, rather a daunting sight at six foot four and plenty mad. "Hippies
believed in peace and love, he says as he punches Earl right in the jaw "I
don't". The force of the blow knocks Earl over and renders him unconscious.
The other guy then jumps from his booth and rushes over "Noone punches my buddy
and gets away with it". As he rushes over, Zero easily sidesteps the oncoming
charge and lands a well-placed knee to the stomach, pushing the wind from his
gut. Then as he buckles over in pain, Zero kicks him hard in the face and
knocks him over as his teeth fly out of his mouth. He hits the floor hard, real
hard. Consciousness soon escapes him and they both lay there. Zero then drops
a ten spot on the table and grabs some napkins. "Come on, lets get out of
here, he says to DDOJ as he wipes the chili out of his hair. They both leave
as the waitress busily calls the police.
As the proceed to their car, the woman who accompanied the
two red necks rushes after them. "Hey, you just can't leave me here" she yells
at Zero. "You just hospitalized my ride, so what are you going to do about it?"
he demands. "Nothing, now get out of my face" he screams at here, trying to
scare her off. As he climbs into the convertible, she quickly moves into the
other front seat, ahead of DDOJ. "I will tell you what you are going to do, you
are going to give me a ride, she boldly tells him. DDOJ sheepishly gets into
the back seat. "How many damn people am I going to have to pick up?" he asks as
he speeds out of the parking lot.
Meanwhile, back at the abandoned police car, the two kids are
screaming and banging on the back window as a police car pulls up behind it and
shines their searchlight on it. To their surprise, they see the two kids waving
at them. They slowly get out of their car and the two officers pull their guns
and make their way over to the car. As one of them opens the back door of the
police car, the other waits with his gun pointed at the emerging kids. "Don't
shoot, we're innocent, the kids say as they raise their hands. Once the cops
are sure there is no danger, they put their guns away and begin questioning the
boys. "Alright, who did this to you?" they ask. "Well you see there was the
guy in the police uniform, who looked like a hippie or something with long black
hair and a beard. The other guy was in regular clothes but he had this real
weird head". "What do you mean by weird? " The cop inquires. "Well, it was
shaped like a paramecium" he responds. "A what?" the cop asks as he looks at
his partner who shakes his head. "You know a paramecium, the things you look at
in biology under a microscope." The cops just look at each other in
bewilderment as the boys do their best to describe DDOJ's head.
Back in the convertible, DDOJ is hiding in the back seat with
his hands over his ears. Zero is gritting his teeth as Bettie, the women they
were forced to give a ride to, goes on about her horrible boyfriend. "You know
that guy never gave me the respect I deserved. He was like so selfish. Sure he
was with me all week, but come weekend, he wanted to be with those no good
friends of his. Who the hell knows why he would want to be with that bunch of
idiots when he coulda been spending time with me" she hollers as she takes a
drag off her cigarette. "Then there was this time when a blizzard hit and all
I wanted was for him to come over and watch some TV with me. Was that asking
that much? I think not!" she continues as she smokes it down to the butt and
discards it. "Bettie, I think your door isn't all the way shut. Let me pull
over and you can close it all the way, Zero politely says. He then pulls the
car over to the side of the road and puts it in park. As she opens the door, he
pushes her out the door with his foot and then puts the car in gear and takes
off. As he speeds away, she gets up and waves her fist and hollers "I will get
you for this, you can bet on that!" As they get out of range, DDOJ climbs back
up front. Zero turns to him and says, "Come enjoy the silence."
Over on the other side of town, at the police station, the cops drop the boys
off and head back to their car. As they drive off, they get a message about a
disturbance at "Alice's Restaurant". "Looks like a full night tonight" the one
officer says to the other.
Back on the road with Zero and DDOJ, we see them driving down a dark, almost
deserted highway. DDOJ is asleep as Zero tries to fight off sleep. As he
drives along, his eyes become very heavy and they soon shut. As he begins to
fall asleep, he veers off the road, only to have him jerked awake. Realizing
how much of a risk he was taking, he pulled off at the first exit and began to
look for a motel. After a short drive, he saw a place off to the right. As he
pulled up, he noticed it was called "The Bates Motel II". He had a small
chuckle as he headed to the front desk. As he walked in, he noticed all the
stuffed birds around the place. "They really are trying to capture the feel of
the movie, he says as he looks for someone to take care of him. As he looked
around, he saw a small bell with the words "Ring for Service" in front of it.
He rings the bell and waits. Nothing. He rings it again and waits. Same
results. Irritated, he grabs the bell and throws it at the far wall. Soon
after that, a guy pops out of the other room, with a wig on. Be right with you,
he says. He soon emerges without the gray haired wig and asks in a very timid
voice "What can I help you with today?" Zero gives him a cold stare and says
very quietly "I would like a room". The man, who is middle aged and has short
dark hair, turns around and grabs some keys off the wall. "You will be in room
1, just down that way, he says as he hands the keys to Zero. As soon as he
hands the keys, he turns around and heads to the back room. Zero scratches his
head and leaves. The man did not ask for any ID or money. That is very odd,
but the thought of a clean room and a hot shower keeps him from pondering on it
too much.
As he heads back to the car, he sees that DDOJ is still fast
asleep. So he grabs their stuff and takes it into the room. He then returns
for DDOJ and carries him in and places him on one of the beds. DDOJ doesn't
even stir, so Zero decides this is as good a time as any to take a hot shower.
He grabs his bag and heads into the bathroom.
As he is enjoying the hot water of the shower, he is unaware
of the shadow that is creeping over the shower curtain. As he is lathering up,
the shadow grows larger and larger on the curtain. It is a strange looking
shadow. Suddenly, the shower curtain is pulled open and Zero screams "AHHHHHHHHH"
as the sudden movement startles him. On the other side of the curtain is DDOJ
and he also screams "EEEEKKKKKK" and makes a mad dash into the other room. Zero
sticks his head out of the shower and screams "If you ever bother me in the
shower again, I will kill you!" and then slams returns to his shower.
Ten minutes later, he is done and comes out in his t-shirt
and some old jeans. He is drying his hair and looking around for DDOJ. As he
searches around the room, he notices something odd. From under the bed, he sees
two feet sticking. He goes over and pulls the feet, until DDOJ is out from
under the bed. DDOJ immediately looks up at Zero and then rolls up into a ball
and starts muttering "Please don't kill me, please don't kill me". "Calm down,
I'm not going to kill you. Look, I'm sorry that I yelled at you, but you just
scared me. What are ya doing sneaking around the bathroom anyways?" he says as
he tries to comfort the obviously worried boy. "I-I-I woke up and heard
something coming from the bathroom and I just wanted to make sure it-t-t-t was
you, he says as he begins to get up off the ground. "Just knock next time, all
right, Zero says as he puts his hand out for DDOJ to shake. Before they have a
chance to make up, there is a loud knock on the door. Scratching his head, Zero
cannot figure out who it is. His guess is that it is the hotel manager, telling
them to quiet down. As he opens the door, in walks Julie and does she look
pissed. "Just think you can dump me off, did you? Well, let me tell you
something mister, I am not an easy woman to get rid of" she screams at him.
"Can't ya take a hint? We don't want you around, so why don't you get the hell
out of here" Zero screams back at her. As they argue back and forth, DDOJ
starts packing up the stuff. He figures that they aren't going to be staying
here too long.
Just when things don't look like they can get any worse, a
pickup truck full of rednecks shows up. There are two in the front and another
four in the cab. Leading the charge are Earl and Lou, both sporting bandages.
As they pull up, Bettie runs over there and starts yelling at them "Earl, what
the hell do ya think your doing? I don't need you coming around and fighting my
battles for me" she screams at him. As they begin to argue, Zero shuts the door
and locks it. "This will only hold them for a minute, but that is all we need"
he says. As he looks around, he sees a door that leads to the next room. As he
opens it, he is greeted by another door. He quickly kicks it in and both of
them run into the room. From there, he looks out the window and sees that Earl
has pushed Bettie aside and all of them are just finding out that the door is
locked. Zero quickly pulls shut the door that leads to the room he is in,
figuring it will take these dimwits a few minutes to figure where they went. As
they knock the door in, the all rush into the room and begin to search for Zero
and DDOJ. At the same time, Zero and DDOJ rush over and jump into the pickup
truck, that still has the keys in the ignition and drive off. As Zero pulls
out, he beeps the horn, to let them know what has happened. As he pulls away,
they come rushing out and see their truck driving away. "Damn, damn, who was
the idiot that left the keys in the ignition?" Earl screams. "Well, y'all was
the one driving, Earl" says Lou. Suddenly one of the guys says, "Why don't we
take this car?" Lou looks at him and says "Do you have keys for it? I highly
doubt they left were stupid enough ta leave da keys in da ignition." "Are you
calling me stupid? Cuz if you are, then you have one hell of a whuppin comin
your way" Earl says as he gets into Lou's face. The two of them start fighting
as the other guys stand around and cheer. Up the road a bit, Zero decides to
stop off and make a call. At a payphone, he stops and calls the police.
"Hello, I would like to report a break-in and a major disturbance over at the
Bates Motel II." When he finishes, he gets back into the truck and drives
off.
Zero and DDOJ
© 2006 Tom Zjaba and Dave
Zjaba