Zero and DDOJ
Issue #1
by Tom Zjaba
Chapter 1-Running Down a Dream
Meet Charles Lewis. His friends if he had any call
him Zero. Why do you ask? Just read the story and you will find out. Anyway, he
used to live in an asylum. Why you ask? Nosy aren't we? Well, you'll have to
read the story. Sheesh, some people want everything spelled out for them.
Anyway, when he was considered fit for society and released, he had to find a
job. Guess what? There aren't many job choices for someone with that kind of
history. Out of his limited choices, he chose to be a cab driver. That's right,
a cabbie. He joined New York's finest and hit the streets. He was pretty good at
it. After awhile he amassed a decent amount of money and decided to take off. So
after an exceptionally good night, he took off. That's right, he quit the cabbie
business. Only problem is he forgot to tell the cab company. Oh yeah, he also
forgot to return the cab and the money he collected. So, he is now on the run
with a stolen cab and a stack of the company’s money. Time for a road trip.
Zero as he likes to be called spent a considerable amount of
his forty years in a mental institution. His long black hair flows wildly as the
wind from the window sweeps over him. He is driving fast, really fast. Mix that
with the intoxicating substance that he has been nursing for the past hour and
you have the makings of an accident. He thought bringing a friend along for
company would be a good idea. It might have, but when the friend is Jack Daniels
it isn't such a good idea. Some would call it crazy. Some would call Zero crazy.
Get the point. Anyway, he is having a little problem staying on the road. The
alcohol mixed with working a twelve-hour shift is getting to him. Exhaustion is
overtaking him as his wheels go off the road. While the loud noise made by going
off the road woke him up the last few times he went off, it doesn't this time.
So, his car speeds off the road and down towards a glade of trees. Suddenly, he
snaps to and realizes the dilemma he is in. He quickly hits the brakes and
swerves the wheel. His car skids and slides and the passenger door hits a tree.
Zero his tossed around some as the car collides. Taking a few moments to stop
the world from spinning, Zero opens the driver side door and falls out. He hits
the ground and falls fast asleep.
"Mister are you alright?" the voice says as Zero fights off
the sleep. He slowly gets up into a sitting position. He wipes the sleep out of
his eyes and looks up. "I must still be drunk. Whatever happened to the pink
elephants?" he mutters as he sees a young man standing before him. The man has
an abnormally shaped head that is oval shaped. While it is normal vertically, it
is about four feet horizontally. In the middle are two very large and very
innocent looking blue eyes? Wisps of blond hair encircle the head from the ears
up around the head. "You need a hand getting up mister?" the stranger asks Zero.
"Sure, why not. It's not every day you get help from a hallucination.,” he
mutters as he is hoisted up. As he stands erect, he shakes off the dirt and
grass and looks at the car. As he makes his way around to the other side of the
car, he sees the dented in door. "Guess it could be worse, at least she is
drivable." he says as he fumbles in his pocket for his keys. As he finds them,
he looks over at the stranger and asks, "Do you have a name?” The stranger
smiles at him and proudly announces "My name is DDOJ (pronounced Dee Dee Oh
Jay), see it says so right here on my library card". He then pulls his library
card out of his wallet and shows it proudly to Zero. "What does that stand for?"
Zero asks as he hands the card back to DDOJ. "It means I can rent books and
stuff from the library for free! Well, they are free as long as I return them on
time." DDOJ tries to explain to Zero. "No, not the card, your name. What does
the initials in your name stand for?" Zero barks back. "Oh, I don't know." he
sadly answers. "What do you mean you don't know?" Zero angrily asks. "I was put
up for adoption when I was a baby and that is all that was on my birth
certificate." DDOJ sadly replies. A tear begins to drip down his face. Zero, not
used to dealing with a situation like this, tries to change the subject. "My
name is Zero, by the way,” he says in hope to get DDOJ's mind off his problems.
Suddenly DDOJ's eyes light up and a smile breaks across his face "Zero, wow that
is really weird. I had a friend named One and maybe you know each other.” he
asks. "His name wasn't One, it was Juan. That is Spanish." Zero yells back. "So
you do know each other, that is so cool!" DDOJ proclaims. "Forget it alright, I
need to get moving. Do you need a ride?" Zero asks even if he knows he will
regret it. "Great are you heading to California?" DDOJ inquires. "I am now, do
you know how to drive?" Zero asks. "No, but I would love to learn" he replies.
"Then this is your lucky day, because I am going to teach you how to drive".
After a few basic lessons, Zero and DDOJ head back to the highway. As DDOJ makes
his way down the road, Zero moves to the back seat to get some much needed rest.
"Just let me know if you have any problems,” he says, as his eyes grow very
heavy. Soon he passes out.
CHAPTER TWO:I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE LAW WON
The sound of honking horns and yells abruptly
awakes Zero. As he jumps up in the back seat, he soon realizes that the car is
stopped. Not only is it stopped, but it is stopped in the middle of the highway.
On both sides of the cab are streams of cars going past and yelling and
gesturing obscenities at them. In the front seat is DDOJ, waving to everyone as
they pass. Completely oblivious of the violent nature of their gestures, DDOJ
thinks he is making lots of friends. Zero quickly climbs into the front seat and
yells, "Why the hell are we stopped in the middle of the highway?" DDOJ shrugs
his shoulders "How should I know." As Zero turns the key to see what is the
problem, he looks and notices that the gas gauge is reading empty. "Why didn't
you tell me we were out of gas?" he growls. "How was I supposed to know, I'm not
a mechanic?” DDOJ smugly answers. "How were you supposed to know? I'll tell you
how! By reading this gas gauge that is right in front of your face. That's how!"
he screams as his face begins to turn a nasty shade of red. DDOJ calmly explains
to Zero "A gas gauge? I thought that was some kind of scientific clock. I
figured that F stood for full day and E stood for end of day. Look it is on E
and it is getting dark out" Zero pounds his head on the dashboard as he thinks
to himself <How can anyone be this stupid?>. Suddenly his thoughts are
interrupted by the sound of a policeman's siren. As he looks up, he sees a
police car in the rear view mirror.
Getting out of the car is an officer and he doesn't look very
happy. In typical police fashion, he is wearing shades, even if it is dark, and
strolling up in a slow and menacing fashion. As he stops outside the driver's
door, he slowly bends down and peers into the vehicle. Inside, DDOJ is smiling
at him, while Zero tries to maintain his composure. Knowing that trouble is
coming, he tries to think the best way to avoid it. "Why the HELL are you
stopped in the middle of the highway?" the officer snarls at them. <Don't say
anything stupid, please don't> is all that races through Zero's mouth. He knows
full well that DDOJ will say something stupid and get them into more trouble.
Before he has a chance to answer it, DDOJ blurts out "We ran out of gas. See, I
just learned to drive today and didn't know that a gas gauge is a gas gauge. You
see, I thought it was some kinda scientific clock....". " JUST SHUT UP AND SHOW
ME YOUR LICENSE, NOW!" the officer screams in an attempt to stop DDOJ's
rambling. "I don't have a license, but I do have a library card, wanna see it?"
answers DDOJ. The officer is obviously less than enthralled with the situation
and immediately responds "Get out of the car and put your hands on the
automobile". DDOJ gets out and Zero runs over to explain the situation to the
officer. "Officer sir, this is my son and I am just teaching him to drive. He
has his temps, but he just forgot them at home, honest". As the two of them
argue back and forth, DDOJ walks past and gets into the police car. As he is
fooling around, he hits the siren, which blares. The startled officer begins to
run towards the car yelling, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY CAR?". As the
officer begins to head over, Zero applies a Spock nerve pinch on the officer and
it immediately knocks the officer out. "Wow, television really is educational".
He then grabs the officer and drags him to the cab and places him in the back
seat. He then undresses him and switches clothes with him.
Once this is done, he walks over to the police car and gets
behind the wheel. DDOJ looks over at him with a puzzled look on his face. "Why
are you wearing Mr. Officer's clothes?" Zero quickly thinks and answers, "Well,
it just so happens that the officer has always wanted to be cabbie. So we traded
cars and he was just so happy that he threw in the uniform" After he finishes,
he holds his breath, waiting to see if DDOJ actually buys his story. "That is so
cool! I didn't even know that the policemen owned their cars. Guess you learn
something new everyday." Zero then thinks to himself <This kid will believe
anything>. He then puts the car into gear and gets ready to drive off. Before he
does, DDOJ asks, "Can I drive?" He just gives him a dirty look and drives off.
